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100 HOLOGRAMS
by Sean H. Doyle 

HOLOGRAM DOROTHY PARKER, DOING A LIVE READING OF FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AT A BARNES & NOBLE IN SCHENECTADY.

HOLOGRAM W.C. FIELDS BREAKDANCING ON THE UPTOWN A TRAIN.

HOLOGRAM RONALD REAGAN TRYING TO BUY BLUNT WRAPS AT GOD BLESS DELI.

HOLOGRAM TY COBB SMOKING CIGARS WITH SAMUEL L. JACKSON WHILE WAITING FOR THE GAZPACHO TO BE READY.

HOLOGRAM STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN MAKING HIS “THIS NOTE IS STANK” FACE DURING YOUR WEDDING SPEECH.

HOLOGRAM CHRIS BENOIT HANGING AROUND THE PLAYGROUND, CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES NEAR YOUR CHILDREN.

HOLOGRAM BIN LADEN, SERVING CHICKEN KIEV AT THE WALDORF.

HOLOGRAM PHIL RIZZUTO, PANTSING MITT ROMNEY DURING A DEBATE AND YELLING “NICE PESKY POLE, CREEP!”

HOLOGRAM FRANK HERBERT, COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW MUCH SPICE IS IN HIS CURRY.

HOLOGRAM NORMAN MAILER, ROCKIN’ A BLACK FLAG SHIRT AND USING THE LITTERBOX IN YOUR SPARE ROOM.

HOLOGRAM ANNA NICOLE SMITH, SINGING “HAVA NAGILA” TO SQUIRRELS IN TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK, WEARING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET.

HOLOGRAM JOHN STEINBECK, FEEDING GRAPES TO YOUR AUNT SUZY WHILE LAZING NUDE IN A HAMMOCK.

HOLOGRAM RICHARD BURTON, SINGING CURTIS MAYFIELD’S “WE GOTTA HAVE PEACE” AT KARAOKE IN KOREATOWN DURING FLEET WEEK.

HOLOGRAM FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT LIGHTING PORT-A-JOHNS ON FIRE AT LOLLAPALOOZA.

HOLOGRAM DICK CLARK SHOWING UP ON THE DISPLAY DURING YOUR COLONOSCOPY.

HOLOGRAM CHE GUEVERA, CRYING LIKE THE INDIAN FROM THOSE OLD-TIMEY LITTERING COMMERCIALS WHILE WALKING AROUND WILLIAMSBURG.

HOLOGRAM STANLEY KUBRICK, SITTING ATOP YOUR DRESSER AND WHISPERING INSTRUCTIONS AS YOU MAKE LOVE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.

HOLOGRAM BRAD RENFRO, SMOTHERING HIMSELF IN OLIVE PASTE AND ASKING YOU TO READ HIM SOME RILKE.

HOLOGRAM BUKOWSKI, AS A PINATA AT A BATTERED WOMEN’S SHELTER.

HOLOGRAM LAYNE STALEY, WORKING AS A VET TECH IN DYKER HEIGHTS, SPECIALIZING IN CAT BATHING.

HOLOGRAM PETER SELLERS, EATING BBQ AT SXSW WITH GIBBY HAYNES.

HOLOGRAM JOHN KRUK’S CANCEROUS TESTICLE, HANGING AROUND THE LOCKER ROOM, DRINKING KOOL AID & BLASTING CAMEO’S “WORD UP.”

HOLOGRAM TELLY SAVALAS, SLAPPING THE TASTE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH FOR WORSHIPPING A FALSE GOD.

HOLOGRAM DIMEBAG DARRELL LAUGHING AT YOU FOR OWNING PANTERA RECORDS.

HOLOGRAM DARBY CRASH STEPPING OUT OF AN OIL PAINTING AND OFFERING YOU A BITE OF HIS HOAGIE FOR A HUG.

HOLOGRAM MISSISSIPPI FRED MCDOWELL, SLOW-DANCING WITH YOUR LANDLORD TO “CHANCES ARE” UNTIL YOU PAY YOUR RENT IN BLOOD.

HOLOGRAM TOMMY WESTPHALL TAKES YOU BY THE HAND AND SHOWS YOU THAT YOU ARE A FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION.

HOLOGRAM QADDAFI SMOKING A BLUNT & RECITING AN ENTIRE LOUIS CK SET FROM MEMORY WHILE DRIVING YOU TO JFK DURING RUSH HOUR.

HOLOGRAM ANDY KAUFMAN AT A COLD STONE CREAMERY TELLING YOU THAT THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE AND HAVE YOU TRIED THE VEAL?

HOLOGRAM ANDREW WOOD AT A SOUNDGARDEN SHOW, YELLING FOR THEM TO PLAY “SAY HELLO 2 HEAVEN” WHILE FILLING A GATORADE BOTTLE WITH PISS.

HOLOGRAM GRAHAM PARSONS SHOWING UP FOR YOUR BOOK RELEASE PARTY AND ASKING YOU “WHAT TIME DO THE MONKEES PLAY?”

HOLOGRAM SADDAM HUSSEIN CUTTING YOUR MEAT FOR YOU IN THE NURSING HOME, EXPRESSING HIS LOVE FOR “THE GOLDEN GIRLS.”

HOLOGRAM MANUTE BOL STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU AT A RAEKWON SHOW, SHOUTING FOR HIM TO PLAY “BABY GOT BACK” WHILE HOLDING UP A LION CUB.

HOLOGRAM CLIFF BURTON, HIDING IN JAMES HETFIELD’S CLOSET WITH A BLOWTORCH, PIANO WIRE, AND SOME RUSTY HEDGE CLIPPERS.

HOLOGRAM SAM KINISON WORKING AN ARBY’S DRIVE-THRU, ASKING YOU IF YOU REALLY NEED THE EXTRA HORSEY SAUCE.

HOLOGRAM PAPA HEMINGWAY READING THE HUNGER GAMES ON A FLIGHT TO BARCELONA, GIGGLING & CRYING.

HOLOGRAM WALTER CRONKITE PLAYING HANDBALL WHILE WEARING A SHIRT WITH “NO CONDO. NO MBA. NO BMW.” ON IT.

HOLOGRAM MICHAEL JACKSON IN “NUTTY PROFESSOR VII: WHO LEFT THE BUTTER ON THE COUNTER?”

HOLOGRAM BUDDY HACKETT IN THE POCONOS, STILL KILLING IT.

HOLOGRAM COLONEL SANDERS LIBERATING ANIMALS WITH STRAIGHT EDGE KIDS IN UTAH, RUNNING THROUGH THE DESERT SCREAMING EARTH CRISIS LYRICS.

HOLOGRAM GARY COLEMAN HIDING UNDER THE BED DURING EVERY AWKWARD SEX SCENE ON “GIRLS.”

HOLOGRAM STEVE MCQUEEN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER WHILE YOU HOLD A VIDEO CAMERA AND THINK “HOLY SHIT. STEVE MCQUEEN!”

HOLOGRAM ROBERT E. LEE WORKING THE COUNTER AT SEPHORA IN UNION SQUARE, TALKING ABOUT EARTH TONES & SHINE.

HOLOGRAM AL DAVIS CARVING “JUST WIN, BABY” INTO A SPIRAL HAM ON EASTER AT YOUR UNCLE ROY’S HOUSE, EVEN THOUGH ROY IS A BRONCOS FAN.

HOLOGRAM CAPTAIN KANGAROO AND HOLOGRAM SOUPY SALES IN A KNIFE FIGHT OVER THE LAST PIECE OF CHEESECAKE AT JUNIOR’S IN DOWNTOWN BROOKLYN.

HOLOGRAM ROBERTO BOLAÑO IN A SUMMERSTOCK ADAPTATION OF “FIDDLER ON THE ROOF” AS LAZAR WOLF BUT WEARING A BURQA & LIGHTING OFF ROMAN CANDLES.

HOLOGRAM SCATMAN CROTHERS TEACHING A WRITING WORKSHOP FOR ASPIRING MOMMYBLOGGERS.

HOLOGRAM LEE HARVEY OSWALD AS DAVID YOW IN “TIGHT & SHINY: THE JESUS LIZARD STORY”, A LIFETIME NETWORK PRODUCTION.

HOLOGRAM JACK LONDON WITH A MALNOURISHED WOLF INSIDE OF SARAH MCLACHLAN’S HOME, WITH HER COMMERCIAL ON LOOP AND RAW MEAT IN HIS HANDS .

HOLOGRAM HERMAN MELVILLE HANGING OUT ON THE PATIO AT TEANY, WAITING FOR MOBY WITH A STEAK AND SOME ROCKY MOUNTAIN OYSTERS.

HOLOGRAM ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL PUTTING HOLOGRAM STEVE JOBS’S FINGER IN A WARM GLASS OF WATER AS HE NAPS ON A PILE OF YOUR BLOOD MONEY.

HOLOGRAM JEFFREY LEE PIERCE STANDING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW, PLAYING “MOTHER OF EARTH” AND WONDERING WHY YOU LET HIM DIE BROKE AND BROKEN.

HOLOGRAM ROCK HUDSON AT YOUR MOTHER’S FUNERAL, TELLING YOUR FATHER HOW WONDERFUL SHE TASTED AT 19.

HOLOGRAM JIMI HENDRIX AT THE TOP OF THE PYRAMID OF THE SUN AT TEOTIHUACAN AT SUNRISE, ASKING YOU WHY YOU ARE LATE.

HOLOGRAM JIMMY HOFFA COURTSIDE AT A KNICKS GAME, HECKLING CARMELO ANTHONY ABOUT LOYALTY AND HONOR.

HOLOGRAM LIZ TAYLOR DRINKING KOMBUCHA AT COACHELLA WHILE WATCHING SPIRITUALIZED AND SHE SAYS “DIAMONDS AIN’T GOT SHIT ON THIS.”

HOLOGRAM WHITNEY HOUSTON AS A TOUR GUIDE AT DISNEYLAND WHO REFERS TO SPACE MOUNTAIN AS “THAT SCIENTOLOGY INDOCTRINATION RIDE.”

HOLOGRAM BETTY FORD AT A MCDONALD’S IN WEST HOLLYWOOD, HOLDING COURT IN A CORNER BOOTH, SELLING BLACK BEAUTIES & ‘LUDES TO CHOLAS.

HOLOGRAM VIDAL SASSOON WORKING AT SUPERCUTS AND WEARING CLOTHES PURCHASED AT ROSS DRESS FOR LESS WITH A SMILE.

HOLOGRAM CLEOPATRA ON A CAMPING TRIP AND SHE IS MAD THAT THERE ARE NO S’MORES SO SHE URINATES IN EVERY CANTEEN WHILE PEOPLE SLEEP.

HOLOGRAM ALFRED HITCHCOCK ON A YOGA RETREAT AND HAPPY TO BE THERE IN DOWNWARD FACING DOG.

HOLOGRAM ZELDA FITZGERALD WATCHING “WILL & GRACE” RE-RUNS AND SCRIBBLING FURIOUSLY ON THE RIND OF AN ORANGE.

HOLOGRAM MARLON BRANDO WORKING THE PHONES FOR OBAMA ’12 AND TELLING KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES TO EVERY WOMAN HE SPEAKS WITH.

HOLOGRAM ODB HANGING OUT IN YOUR GARAGE, LOOKING FOR BLACK WIDOWS AND BROWN RECLUSES FOR YOUR KID’S SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.

HOLOGRAM MOHAMMED ATTA WORKING CONCESSIONS AT A STREET FAIR IN RIO WHILE WEARING HILLBILLY TEETH AND A KROKUS SHIRT.

HOLOGRAM JIM MORRISON AS A CO-HOST ON A MORNING ZOO RADIO PROGRAM, READING TRAFFIC AND WEATHER AS POETRY, CATCHPHRASE: “THAT’S BOSS, BOSS.”

HOLOGRAM NAPOLEON AS SCHOOL CROSSING GUARD.

HOLOGRAM JAMES BROWN LEAVING TROLL COMMENTS ON EVERY SINGLE POST AT THOUGHT CATALOG, SNICKERING WITH GLEE.

HOLOGRAM KURT VONNEGUT AT YOUR BAR MITZVAH, STATIONED NEAR THE CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN WITH YOUR COUSIN BARRY, TELLING DICK JOKES.

HOLOGRAM JOE STRUMMER KNOCKING YOUR IPHONE FROM YOUR HAND AND ASKING YOU “DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? WELL — DO YOU?”

HOLOGRAM RUDYARD KIPLING EATING SOFT SERVE FROM A CONE WHILE WALKING THREE DACHSHUNDS AND SINGING KATY PERRY’S “FIREWORK.”

HOLOGRAM ARTHUR ASHE TELLING CONGRESS TO STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GIVE US THE CURE.

HOLOGRAM MOTHER TERESA ON STAGE AT A SLAYER SHOW, BANGING HER HEAD TO “RAINING BLOOD” WHILE BLOOD RAINS ON HER AND BEING THANKFUL FOR IT.

HOLOGRAM ABE LINCOLN IN A THEATER, WATCHING “ABE LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER” AND WISHING HE WAS A LITTLE BIT TALLER.

HOLOGRAM CAPTAIN BEEFHEART, HANGING AROUND THE DENTIST’S OFFICE, ASKING FOLKS IF THEY HAVE ANY EXTRA TEETH HE CAN “BORROW.”

HOLOGRAM ANWAR SADAT THROWING SALT OVER HIS SHOULDER AT A ROADSIDE DINER BEFORE ENJOYING SOME CHICKEN FRIED STEAK WITH GRAVY.

HOLOGRAM DON KNOTTS AS BASE-JUMPING INSTRUCTOR IN NEW ZEALAND WITH A FULL MOKO AND NATTY LOCKS.

HOLOGRAM AL CAPONE WORKING AS A SEX EDUCATION INSTRUCTOR FOR THE ALBUQUERQUE UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT AND LIVING IN A RANCH HOUSE WITH CATS.

HOLOGRAM L. RON HUBBARD AS SLAM POETRY GRAND NATIONAL CHAMPION AND RUNNER-UP FOR AMERICA’S BEST SODA JERK, NINE YEARS RUNNING.

HOLOGRAM BEA ARTHUR AS MADONNA IN REMAKE OF “LIKE A PRAYER” VIDEO, WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR, HOLOGRAM PATRICE O’NEAL AS “BLACK JESUS.”

HOLOGRAM MARC BOLAN SHOPPING AT VARVATOS AND WIPING HIS RUNNY NOSE ON ANYTHING THAT ISN’T SNAKESKIN OR CHROME.

HOLOGRAM KURT COBAIN SNEAKING INTO DAVE GROHL’S HOUSE AND SCRATCHING UP EVERY SINGLE SKYNYRD CD IN THE PLACE.

HOLOGRAM WILT CHAMBERLAIN SLOW-DANCING WITH HOLOGRAM PRINCESS DIANA TO “SUMMER BREEZE” ON THE RACHAEL RAY SHOW WHILE BACON SIZZLES.

HOLOGRAM JOHN BELUSHI HIDING BEHIND SOME BUSHES AND SCARING THE CRAP OUT OF DAN ACKROYD, WHO BECOMES A HOLOGRAM WHEN HIS HEART QUITS.

HOLOGRAM EL DUCE, BAKING COOKIES IN YOUR MEMAW’S SUN-KISSED KITCHEN.

HOLOGRAM ALLEN GINSBERG SELLING SOY PUPS OUT OF A TRAILER IN PROSPECT PARK WHILE WEARING GOLD-PLATED ROLLER SKATES AND A DERBY.

HOLOGRAM ROGER MARIS INJECTING HGH INTO A MARK MCGWIRE BOBBLEHEAD DOLL WHILE SINGING “LEAN ON ME” ON “MEET THE PRESS.”

HOLOGRAM TEDDY ROOSEVELT AT A TEA PARTY RALLY HOLDING A SIGN THAT SAYS “¡VIVA LA RAZA!”

HOLOGRAM JOE FRAZIER HIDING INSIDE MONEY MAYWEATHER’S LEAST-DRIVEN BENTLEY, SMOKING CIGARS AND BURNING HOLES IN THE INTERIOR.

HOLOGRAM RAY CARVER ON THE TRAIN PLATFORM READING A BATTERED COPY OF THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT-TIME AND SWEATING A LOT.

HOLOGRAM HARRY CREWS AT THE BAR TELLING THE BARTENDER “NEXT TIME, CAN I GET SOME LIQUOR IN THIS GLASS?” THEN TURNING ON HIS STOOL TO POINT AT YOU.

HOLOGRAM JOHN GIELGUD HAUNTING A PRODUCTION OF “SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK” BY ADDING VISINE TO EVERYONE’S COFFEE.

HOLOGRAM TED KNIGHT WEARING A GOLD LAME DISCO JUMPSUIT AND MOONWALKING ACROSS THE GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE ON A TUESDAY AFTERNOON.

HOLOGRAM EDITH WHARTON SENDING THANK YOU EMAILS TO EVERY PERSON WHO WORKED ON THE TELEVISION SHOW “RIZZOLI AND ISLES.”

HOLOGRAM JOHN BONHAM WORKING DILIGENTLY TO PUT TOGETHER AN IKEA BOOKSHELF THAT WILL NOT FIT IN THE CORNER OF YOUR BEDROOM, GRUNTING.

HOLOGRAM WALTER PAYTON EATING A SALAD ON THE ROOF-DECK OF A PRINCESS LINE CRUISE SHIP OVERRUN WITH GOTHS.

HOLOGRAM RAY KROC AT A WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING, RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER AND STIFLING HIS GUFFAWS OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIS EIGHTH STEP.

HOLOGRAM JESUS OF NAZARETH EATING A CHEESESTEAK WHILE  WALKING AROUND DOWNTOWN PORTLAND AND TELLING PEOPLE “Y’ALL ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, MAN.”

HOLOGRAM WILLY SHAKESPEARE HANGING AROUND THE MONKEY CAGE AT THE DALLAS ZOO AND NODDING HIS HEAD WHILE WRITING FURTIVELY IN A MOLESKINE.

HOLOGRAM JACK KEROUAC AS AN ALTAR BOY GIVING YOU THE BODY OF CHRIST AND YOU LOOK DOWN AND SEE HE IS WEARING CHUCKS WITH “HOLY GHOST” WRITTEN ON THE TOES.

Sean H. Doyle lives in Brooklyn, NY. He works hard every day to be a better person.  

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