Posted by Jason Diamond

I have this sneaking suspicion that there’s a homeless guy who is stealing my mail.  I don’t have much evidence, except for the fact that a record I bough on eBay, and a galley copy of Mike Edison’s Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! (watch the 3-D trailer for the book) have found their way to the guy’s sidewalk bazaar a block away from my house.  The record I can just listen to on Spotify, but I needed to give that book to a contributor for a piece.

Now all I can do is consider my options.

1.  I ask the guy to give the galley back.  

Possible outcomes:

A) He graciously agrees to do so.

B) He laughs at me for even suggesting such a thing.

C) Maybe he didn’t actually steal it.  Maybe it’s a total coincidence that he has that galley and the XTC album I bought on the internet.  Maybe I’m just an asshole who assumes that he’s just a homeless guy who goes around stealing mail.

2. I buy the galley back. 

Possible outcomes:

A) I open the book up to see that the man used pages of it as toilet paper.

B) I feel burning shame for buying something back that was rightfully mine.

3.  I round up a gang of droogs.

Possible outcomes:

A) We beat the crap out of the homeless guy, and then go to the Korova Milk Bar.

B) I go to jail for beating up a homeless man who stole a book I received for free.

C) I puss out of this option because I don’t like violence.

4. I grab the galley and run.

Possible outcomes:

A) I hope I still have the legs I had in 1994.

B) I trip and fall.  The homeless man gets a gang of other homeless guys to beat the crap out of me.

C) I get away.  A New York Post report sees me sprinting away and labels me as “The Prefontaine of his generation.”

5.  I pay the homeless crust punk who lives outside the Qdoba to steal the galley back. 

Possible outcomes:

A) I essentially lose money on this option, but at least I get to say I gave a crust punk a job.

B) I win.

 

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