Jim and Jen’s Trouser Problem
by Lucie Britsch
Jim has a problem
His jeans have died
And he killed them
He always thought it would be his mother
Who still did his laundry
Or even the washer dryer
Or maybe a small dog
Tugging at the bottom, playfully at first
Then with a bit more tooth
A snarl
Then that ripping sound
Signalling the end
Of his jeans and love of dogs
Leaving him trouser less
In the street
At least he would give his friends a laugh
And the odd stranger
Because not all strangers are odd
Don’t believe what they tell you
But no
He had killed them
He had thought he had more time
He wasn’t ready
If he had seen it coming
He would have been ready
It was all made worse because people kept wanting him to come out
Couldn’t a man just sit indoors in his underpants and grieve in peace
He could not go out anyway
His jeans had died
He was stranded in his living room
He did not know another single person who only had one pair of trousers
Why had he put all his eggs in one basket
If eggs were his balls and baskets were jeans
The world was full of baskets and jeans
Yet he only had the one pair
And he loved those jeans man
They were the only pair that treated him right
That he felt comfortable in
That didn’t nag him
He had been bought up thinking jeans made a man
That they could last you a life time
Damn you cowboys
He had bought into yet another myth of the American dream and now he was sitting in his underpants wishing he had a gun
He had also read in People magazine that Sarah Jessica Parker had worn the same jeans for 27 years
He was only 23
Those jeans went too soon
He had tried to find another pair
He wasn’t stupid
He knew he needed a back up
But it had not gone well
He had left every store feeling like he was a failure
Every pair made him feel like something was fundamentally wrong with his body
No other jeans told him he was ok
Not even k
His jeans told him he was awesome
So he gave up looking
He even tried to get a second pair of the his jeans
Obvious he didn’t tell the original pair
So maybe if they did die he could replace them without anyone him knowing
He could do it in the dead of night
When he was still half asleep
Like his mum did with his hamster
He knew though
That second hamster smelled of new car
They didn’t make his jeans anymore though
They were vintage he was told
Every trendy bastard in the country had snapped them up for 10 times what he paid
He even thought about stealing some
That would teach you America!
Death made people do crazy stuff
When his grandfather died his mother started sleeping with her aqua aerobics instructor
He was just going to steal some hipster’s jeans while they were fumbling with their monocle
So he had tried
But now here he was
Housebound because his seeing eye jeans had died and he couldn’t go out without them
His friends stopped asking him to come out and came in instead
They held Shiva
Jeans were important, they knew that
They made sure they folded their own more neatly that night instead of slinging them on the floor
They were more careful around small dogs and condiments
On the 8th day someone said a girl at the store had asked after him
They had told her he had a death in the family
She had passed on her condolences
She had also asked for his jeans
You want me to give you my jeans to give to some girl I barely know Jim said
You know her dude
I do
Yeah, you like go all weird round her but she doesn’t seem to mind
Oh that girl
Yeah, that girl
Oh
That girl was Jen
So maybe she wants to make a purse out of them or some other girly shit or maybe she’s one of them hippies and wants to recycle them or knows some hobo that could use them
I don’t want some hobo living in my jeans
It’s probably the purse one
But then I’d have to see my jeans
Only if you ever leave this house again
And you’d see the girl
Oh yeah right
So
So
So give us the jeans
Jim gave them the jeans but he gave them a eulogy first
His mates patted him on the back
You’re a class act they said
Jim cried a little after they had gone
He didn’t even care if he had checked the pockets
The next few days were dark
He left the curtains shut because he didn’t want the woman across from him seeing him in his underpants
His mum came over and asked if he wanted her to pick him up a pair at Target or the Gap if that was what he was into
She had no idea what he was into
She just didn’t want a son that was housebound because he had no jeans
She would rather he was housebound for a more normal reason like obesity
She had to leave him sitting there in his underpants
On the 12th day a package arrived
It was his jeans
They had returned to him
Or at least they looked like his jeans
And fitted like his jeans
They did not smell like his jeans though
They smelled like that girl
Jen
The girl who took his jeans and made them into jeans again and not a purse
It was a denim miracle
He hadn’t known it was possible
He suspected the girl of being a witch
Girls were into that sort of thing
His mates told him she was just a checkout girl
So you coming out now they asked
Hell yeah he said
To get the girl they asked
To get the girl he said
That was her plan all along
When he got to the store she said I only liked you for your jeans
I only like me for my jeans too he said
It didn’t work out though
She had saved his life as well as his jeans
That’s too much responsibility for anyone
And it was clear he only had eyes for his jeans
She spent months wishing she could destroy the thing she had made
Better than a daughter Louise who worked the night shift and was knocked up and still trying to decide whether to have an abortion or get her nails done said
She had created a monster
She had done some Frankenstein shit and what she bought back was not natural
She had been reading a lot of Stephen king novels someone kept leaving in the break room
When Jim had strode in that day in his new jeans
She had imagined him taller
She thought she might feel something in the crotch of her own jeans
But nothing, not even her usual itch she really needed to get looked at
And she knew his inside leg
Yet she still thought he would be taller
He was taller, wasn’t he she asked Louise
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder Louise said
Then Louise reminded her of the guy with the hat
Oh yeah
There had been a guy with a hat she dated a few years ago
Man did he love that hat
Never took it off if you know what I mean
She liked the hat at first
I always thought it was stupid Louise said
You did not
I did
You said he looked like that actor
Which one?
The one with the hat
Oh right, yeah
She quickly got to hate that hat though
Stupid boys with their stupid obsessions she thought
Or was it her that was stupid for falling into the same pattern again
She asked Louise how the thing with the fool went but Louise said she only knew the Mr T thing and she didn’t think that was it
For once she wanted to be some stupid boy’s obsession
She told Jim this
When he was dry humping her because the jeans had to stay on
He said she should get some sweet ass jeans
Jen had never looked good in jeans
So she punched him in the jeans
Because that was a thing now
And went back to Louise
Who had decided to not get the abortion but to get her nails done so she had plenty to keep her busy till another boy fucked it all up
The first and only thing Lucie Britsch ever won was a poop scoop slogan contest as a kid. She is in her late 3os but is only just being brave and putting herself out there and so far has made her debut in Barrelhouse and was a nice surprise to get an honorable mention in glimmer train recently. She’s working on a few books like everyone.
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