I first met Lauren in 2012, while she was a patient at the detox I worked at in Arizona. According to the Mayans, the world was supposed to end then, but her recovery, and our relationship, was just beginning.
She was a Southwest stewardess, so her flight from New York was probably free and filled with lots of complimentary airplane bottles—but was nevertheless paid for by years of pain.
Even though I was under Hippocratic oath, we both started flirting and fraternizing straight away. Alas, life is short, and the heart wants what the heart wants.
I had engaged previously with other female patients in what I think anyone would perceive as harmless flirting, but something about her was different. We got along like brother and sister—but not in a creepy way—although, she bore an overall striking resemblance to Morticia Addams, so yeah, I guess you could say things were actually a little creepy, especially since my love life had been festering up until that point.
We were instantly comfortable with one another, and for two people with crippling anxiety disorders, that’s saying a lot.
I regaled her with mystical Arizonan tales of Sedona and Havasupai Falls, and at one point I suggested we both dig through a psychological goodie basket of aphorisms and each pick out one that meant the most to us.
I can’t remember what she chose, but this was mine:
I still carry it in my wallet to this day.
Needless to say, it hit me on multiple levels.
I took it as a sign that I was starting to come out of the familiar anemone shadows, and that I should eventually make a move—that is, of course, once she was healthy and on her feet.
But fishing in the rehab pond can sometimes be like snorkeling in a cesspool.
Nevertheless, I knew Nemo was trying to tell me that love would somehow find a way.
***
While I was distributing her evening meds, I asked her to state her name and date of birth, and it was then that I realized we were both Cancers, and the same age. Things were starting to make sense as to why we felt like we had known each other for years.
After taking her narcotics, she started walking towards her room for the night, but not before slightly turning her head back to me with a bashful, schoolgirl-like sensuous look, and said, “I hope I dream of you tonight.”
At that time, I worked 12-hour night shifts, so what she said had me in my feels for a long time. I thought of a myriad of potential scenarios down the line for us, and if we could or should ever give our rehab romance a go.
I started getting especially delirious during the witching hour, as I fought through a lovers somnolence.
Several days later, we got a new pretty boy patient in, and he stole the show. He and Lauren hit it off, and I felt like yesterday’s news.
That’s when I decided to treat her like every other person.
I later found out that they had sex on my shift.
***
Several years went by, and one day after recently moving to California, I got a random Facebook friend request from Lauren.
It started going down in the DMs. She said that she had never forgotten about me, and that I left a big impact on her during our short time together.
When I asked her why, she texted, “you helped me through some of My roughest nights in detox honestly…
And thank you for that”
“Plus your eyes smile and that beauty mark you have lol”
After some back and forth, she said, “I still have those little papers u made me pick out with the positive sayings on them”
When I responded by sending her the pictures above, she said, “Wow. lol I’m smiling in shock right now honestly.”
“Can’t believe you still have mine”
“🙂”
“My number has changed though lol”
After some more small texting, I encouraged her to embellish medium texting, and she said, “Lol well to be perfectly blunt. I wish you would come out to prescott so we can hangout and go on a date haha”
“Sorry if that was weird lol”
It was weird. A dreadful feeling overtook me. What was fantastical texting was starting to turn into reality. Even though my heart wanted to, my head said that driving six hours for an umpteen amount of potentially awkward interactions and most likely uncomfortable first time sex was not something I wanted to risk.
So I said, “No, I’m flattered! Your boyfriend wouldn’t mind? Haha I was thinking about coming for an old friend’s memorial next week, but that isn’t too practical, & there was drama, bad blood, etc between him, I & others, so I don’t think I’ll be making it. I do of course want to come at some point though.”
To that she said, “Me and the guy I was seeing didn’t work out… it’s for the best”
“And I really do wish you would come”
“🙂”
“No pressure though. I understand if you don’t make it.”
I told her that I’d keep her posted when a trip seems right, and she texted, “If you ever need a friend to talk to, I’m here”
I messaged, “Ok, thanks Lauren. Ditto. It’d be nice to have an old fashioned conversation. Let’s do that soon.”
“Yes id love that. And it’s very much needed.”
“Indeed. Let’s plan on tomorrow then”
“Ok 🙂 i work from 3 to 9”
That call of course never came.
***
A few months went by, and from seeing all her cool emo/goth, etc., posts, I thought to turn her onto Nick Cave’s original band, The Birthday Party, to stimulate some chatter, make it seem as though I was interested, and keep some flicker of a flame alive.
She gave a few short responses, and I kind of felt like a fool for bothering.
There were a number of more dead end stop and go texts like that which appeared sporadically throughout 2017, and usually revolved around her seeing her therapist due to woes with her roommates and recidivistic boyfriend.
Even though I got increasingly short with her, as I saw the online relationship as more or less futile, she would send me somewhat clingy texts from time to time, telling me how much she liked me, begging me to come back to Arizona, etc.
The conversations got a little tired, until I flippantly typed at one point, “I’m sure the universe will conspire.”
To which she responded, “What’s meant to be will be”
“I just know you have always stuck in my mind”
“I never even thought I would talk to you again but I just always remembered you”
Her candid “real talk” and hints at synchronicity really got through to me, and changed my perception of things. Even though her repeated attempts at trying to get us together were becoming rather painful, she started wearing me down, and I figured that maybe we were indeed meant to see each other again.
But a couple years of radio silence went by after that, until her Mom died last October. I sent my condolences to her, which she thanked me for, but there wasn’t much after that.
Needless to say, the years brought many changes to us both. Who knows if we’d even still want to be around one another? She got an array of plastic surgeries, I’ve gained a bunch of weight. I’m way to the left on the political spectrum, she’s way to the right. Et al.
But like many people are doing right now out of loneliness, boredom, desperation, and the like, she semi-randomly texted me a couple days ago and said, “I would love to see you again”
It wasn’t much of a surprise, because we both have been liking/loving each other’s posts, and she commented on a picture of me with a face mask on, saying, “still so cute”
I gave a somewhat stock response to her wanting to see me again, which was more or less a brush off, but had humorous sincerity, making it seem as though we might see each other again, saying, “Same. I’ve been wanting to go to New York for a while now. My sister is kind of my travel agent, haha, as the last few years I’d meet her wherever she’d be on business. She used to go to NY somewhat frequently for work, but obviously that has pretty much ended. Hopefully I’ll make it out there sooner or later after this all blows over. I hope you’re well. Much love.”
Her response: “Yes definitely let me know. Or I could come out there. Hope all is well with you too xoxo”
The last time I was in New York was when I was 13 for a baseball tournament in Cooperstown, so I selfishly wanted to experience the big apple as an adult instead of her coming to California where I’d have nowhere to hide.
***
In the days following this, I’ve been thinking about the cliche of technology and how it separates us but somehow paradoxically brings us closer together, and likening that to this quarantine situation, and our cross-country divide.
For a while I kind of just wrote our online relationship off as two people reciprocating their desire to be relevant and wanted, knowing that love is indeed out there somewhere and may be possible, but now I think the pandemic has strengthened my want to really go out to New York when it feels safe and right to do so, as a post-apocalyptic fairy tale-like overcoming of many obstacles on the path to some type of relationship that was originally destined by the stars.
I think it’s good for me, and for all of us to get into the answer, which we all know or have at least been told is love, and cathartically channel that feeling while exorcising the demons, sending the overcoming light out into the world however we can.
Even if I never make it out there, it’s fun to think about, sometimes.
Charles J. March III is a hospital corpsman veteran in Chicago whose work has appeared in Evergreen Review, FENCE Books, Sensitive Skin Magazine, Columbia Journal, BlazeVOX, Expat Press, etc. More can be found at LinkedIn & SoundCloud.