Article I: The National Football League (henceforth “the NFL”, “NFL”, and/or “the League”) decrees that in conjunction with his ongoing suspension from his active roster, Mr. Incognito shall serve one hundred (100) hours of community service as an employee of the Grufferson Retirement Palace in Myanmar, Florida. When asked by residents if he is their grandson, Mr. Incognito will be required to answer in the affirmative, even if he is not the grandson of the resident in question. If prompted, he will assure the elderly patrons that he is a sweet boy, and perform tap dances as required. The Player’s Association has formally requested that Mr. Incognito be obliged to perform a maximum of no more than ten tap dances per week: that request is denied. It is unknown at press time if any of Mr. Incognito’s actual grandparents reside at Grufferson.
Article II: During any and all subsequent trips to the city of Las Vegas, Nevada through the remainder of his NFL career, Mr. Incognito will be required to a) learn the real names of any and all exotic dancers whom he solicits, b) develop at least a passing interest in the hobbies of said dancers, c) give them rides home from their place of employment as required, and d) pose as any and all of the dancers’ “thesis advisor” when in the company of said dancers’ friends and family.
Article III: For the length of roughly one (1) afternoon, Mr. Incognito shall allow each of his Library of America hardcovers to become the playthings of a destructive toddler, whose fingers and palms will be covered in a sticky jelly of unknown origin, a common childhood condition known as “jam hands”. The league will be unaccountable for any damage to the books in question, or their slipcases. Additionally, Mr. Incognito’s first-edition Die Kreuzen vinyl will be sold at an auction attended only by infants.
Article IV: Should time travel be invented during Mr. Incognito’s tenure with the Miami Dolphins or any other League franchise, he will be sent to the late 1790s, where he will be assigned new occupation as a flautist, designated to play hymns in and around the outhouses of the very wealthy. In preparation, Mr. Incognito is hereby required to take weekly flute lessons at his own expense, with as smelly an instructor as can be obtained within the next thirty (30) days.
Article V: A greater South Florida car dealership will fervently advertise a four hour meet-and-greet autograph signing with basketball phenom Dwayne Wade and Philip Michael Thomas, formerly “Rico” of TV’s Miami Vice. On the date of the signing, Mr. Incognito will arrive wearing a Vice-style sport coat (pastel, cotton, irresponsible sleeves) and inform the awaiting masses that Messrs. Wade and Thomas will not be coming. Mr. Incognito is ordered to endure the crowd’s subsequent vociferous boos and any and all additional name-calling for the allotted four hours in full.
Article VI: On the morning of Thanksgiving Day, Mr. Incognito shall be offered a sedative-laced cup of his favorite beverage, Mountain Dew with Vodka. Once Mr. Incognito drifts into unconsciousness, his family will set out the remnants of a pre-eaten holiday dinner: the picked-over carcass of a turkey, a large bowl containing nothing but the crusted residue of consumed mashed potatoes, the residue of fruit pies in various plates, a few persistent Brussels sprouts, etc. Upon awaking, Mr. Incognito will endure the mockery of the Incognito clan, as they inform him that he has slept through the coveted annual meal. If possible, the Incognito family dog will be trained to at this point consume the last of the remaining Brussels sprouts.
Article VII: At dusk, an attractive University of Florida co-ed and/or passable actress will be hired to accost Mr. Incognito, either on the street or in a local place of business. Scantily clad, she will identify herself as promiscuous, a longtime fan of his work as an offensive lineman, and saddened to have seen him endure the harsh and seemingly senseless penalties levied by the League’s governing body. Upon gaining Mr. Incognito’s trust and gratitude, the co-ed ringer will knee him in the groin and jump into a nearby convertible, driven off into the sunset by several bullied nerds from nearby high schools.
“The Miami Dolphins have suspended offensive lineman Richie Incognito indefinitely, as an investigation into the developing Jonathan Martin situation unfolds… “We believe in maintaining a culture of respect for one another and as a result we believe this decision [to suspend Incognito] is in the best interest of the organization at this time,” the Dolphins said in a release. “As we noted earlier, we reached out to the NFL to conduct an objective and thorough review. We will continue to work with the league on this matter.” – SI.com, November 4, 2013.
“All this stuff coming out, it speaks to the culture of our locker room, it speaks to culture of our closeness, it speaks to the culture of our brotherhood,” Incognito said. “And the racism, the bad words, that’s what I regret most. But that is a product of the environment.” – ESPN.com, November 10, 2013.