Posted by Jason Diamond

Last night was the season premiere of Downton Abbey.  Even if you don’t watch the show (especially if you’ve got Twitter) there’s a slight chance you already knew about the series’ return.  PBS offered two hours of the most acclaimed costume drama on television that included plenty of Dame Maggie Smith hot fire quotes like, “War makes early risers of us all.  I thought I’d help with the flowers,” and enough “oh snap!” moments to fill up your entire week. 

I watched the premiere after having two drinks made of bourbon and root beer while hopped up on painkillers after spraining my ankle over the weekend.  I wouldn’t exactly call this gonzo television viewing, but it did give me a more honest perspective on the show.

  • Seriously, John Bates, the martyrdom and continual “falling on your sword” thing is wearing thin.  Anna’s a nice girl, and frankly, you’re way older than she is so the clock is ticking.  You really need to stop messing around.  I’m sure your wife could suffer some sort of unforeseen “accident” while people are concerned with the war and rapidly changing times.
  • If you transported the characters to 2012, Lady Sybil would go to Sarah Lawrence College and Lady Edith would end up at Oberlin where she could be closer to nature.  She’d probably drop out to live off the earth midway through sophomore year.
  • O’Brien’s got a crush on the new valet.  This is obvious.
  • Am I the only one who really likes Carson?  He comes off as this stodgy old, well, British butler (he is), and then we find out he has some former career as a singer, or he gives out fatherly advice to Lady Mary.
  • Does anybody else think Hughes looks like she’s the mother of Severus Snape from Harry Potter? (See above)

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