Posted by Jason Diamond
I have this sneaking suspicion that there’s a homeless guy who is stealing my mail. I don’t have much evidence, except for the fact that a record I bough on eBay, and a galley copy of Mike Edison’s Dirty! Dirty! Dirty! (watch the 3-D trailer for the book) have found their way to the guy’s sidewalk bazaar a block away from my house. The record I can just listen to on Spotify, but I needed to give that book to a contributor for a piece.
Now all I can do is consider my options.
1. I ask the guy to give the galley back.
A) He graciously agrees to do so.
B) He laughs at me for even suggesting such a thing.
C) Maybe he didn’t actually steal it. Maybe it’s a total coincidence that he has that galley and the XTC album I bought on the internet. Maybe I’m just an asshole who assumes that he’s just a homeless guy who goes around stealing mail.
2. I buy the galley back.
A) I open the book up to see that the man used pages of it as toilet paper.
B) I feel burning shame for buying something back that was rightfully mine.
3. I round up a gang of droogs.
A) We beat the crap out of the homeless guy, and then go to the Korova Milk Bar.
B) I go to jail for beating up a homeless man who stole a book I received for free.
C) I puss out of this option because I don’t like violence.
4. I grab the galley and run.
A) I hope I still have the legs I had in 1994.
B) I trip and fall. The homeless man gets a gang of other homeless guys to beat the crap out of me.
C) I get away. A New York Post report sees me sprinting away and labels me as “The Prefontaine of his generation.”
5. I pay the homeless crust punk who lives outside the Qdoba to steal the galley back.
A) I essentially lose money on this option, but at least I get to say I gave a crust punk a job.
B) I win.